First kiss

My hands are quivering because I felt that today, that this special boy would hold my hand. Well, not just hold me hand but link the silver cord. That cord has bonded us from the beginning and it was hopeless trying to cut it. There's nothing strong enough to saw through it. Even though we were just children walkng down my street. Just two kids curious and timid. I felt like I've known him for a very long time. Like we were destined for each other during another life time. Sprawled all over the floor, we just lay there. Looking. Just looking. He moves my hair from my face and tells me I'm the most beautiful women he's layed eyes on. He told me he saw his entire life in my eyes. He told me that he loves me. It took what seemed for ever for our lips to meet, I was scared and excited. But it felt like a surge of passionate electricity stung through me. It made me hungry for more. But yet, I still wanted to see his sweet face.

I laugh because this doesn't make sense but I laugh because It's entirely true.

Diet day

Today is the day that I start my diet.
This is going to be hard living off of 800 calories a day.
no carbs but one peice of bread a day :(uhg this'll be interesting

It's weird

I think I live in two different worlds at once. I mean, I should be only choosing one but I love them both. One is what I dreamed my life to be. Simple fun and full of smiles, the other is where my love belongs. I can't escape. I know I'll always come back to him, we're linked. I don't really know where I'm going with this but I just had to write it down.

Right now

It's been a little over a year now from when we had a first kiss. To wear I met some great people and lost some too. It's coming close to a full year when I laughed so hard I cried. It's close to a whole year from when I had friends that I could feel safe with and want to be around. It was no effort to be around them. We could just sit there and be happy watching T.V. just because we were spending time together. I mean yeah It'd get boring sometimes, but then we'd just go for a drive, long drives that I didn't mind if they lasted a life time. Watching the world go by and wondering how long this was going to last. Friendships usually never last long for me. Like many other things in my life, it's like a curse. Yet, even though I know it eventually happens, I couldn't help but fall to deep. I couldn't help that I knew we were such different people with such different life styles that it wouldn't go on for much longer. Life with good friends who'd be there whenever I needed them is only good until there's a change in all the lives involved
Eventually there's secrets and distance tugging you away. If it's not that, it's being to open, or paranoia of being hurt and run down by the people you shared dark secrets with. Thats what hurts the most, I told someone dark, and deep secrets I've never told anyone in my life and that someone basically droppped me off at the corner of an unfamilar lonely street. Feeling afraid and abandoned I look for comfort in forbidden memories and lies. A friendship made of lies through and through. but hey, shit happens all the time.
Yeah, I cry about those times alot, but not for the bad things that had happened. But for not continuing the amazing adventures and laughed we all had. Taking pictures, drinking our selves silly, walking the dogs, to baked to find a lamp post. all of us trying to hold each other up from finding to many jacks and ace's. It's hard not to think about it when drinking orange juice.
Remember that time when he said tonights the night we do it. Tonight we dance. but we ended up getting stuck in some mud and by the time he was ready to go we were muddy and cold and tired. i wanted to do it so bad and I still do. I wanted to have that kind of unity between all of us. I wanted to feel everything from all of us. Like being linked by a silver cord bound so tight that we practically have a force feild around us no matter how far apart we are.
I'm not really sure at all what I'm saying. Got lost in memories I suppose. Oh and...to the one that couldn't come, I'm sorry. And I'm also sorry, because now my sister will probably be my made of honor.

Things I want to do for myself in the next 15 yrs

There's no spefic order really.

Finish Highschool the first time round.
Get into the Art institute in Vancouver.
Move out of my house.
Get my dream job,
Gett Married and have kids ( in that order)
Find a new best friend, or a friend.
live on an acrage.
Get out of edmonton.
Go to the UK.
Get to my goal weight.
Name my boy either Nicholas or Justin
Name my girl Elizabeth or Nadiene.
Go to Italy.
Help Mike finish school.
Become a photographer.
Live comfortable.
Go on a crazy adventure.
Make a scrap book of all the old times.
Cry because I miss them all.

Forbidden part two

But see, Bella wasn't much of a drinker. She use to drink at a young age so she grew out of it faster then most. Plus, she doesn't want to look like a complete idiot infront of Bill, and Frank wouldn't enjoy himself if he has to take care of me.

So she had a shot or two and stopped. Playing their little dare game and giving Bill a quick shy kiss on the cheek. We were both flushed from drinking but I'm pretty sure I must have been bright red and sqirming a bit because Frank gave me a curious look. Bella sat there in choking on words to change whatever Frank was thinking of her, "Darlin, is it my turn now?" She said warily. "Eh? Oh yes. Your turn Bella dear." Still half distracted replaying the scene in his mind.

"Bill, I dare you to go get Maria. She's probably up anyway cause she don't sleep without you there."

"Yeah, you're probably right Bella, plus it's funner with four people here anyways." He winks, grabs his hat and drags his heavy booted feet to and out the door.

"What was that?" Frank's still watched Bella cafefully with hard eyes.

"What was what hun? Oh you mean when I turned red?" Red? Now she probably looked feverishly.

"Yes. Bella, do you like Bill? Oh god Bella please tell me if thats true!" His chest starts heaving, shakey hands cupping the back of his neck.

"No, well yes. I love him to death... as a friend. As a brother. Wouldn't you turn tomato red if you had to kiss your brother Frank?" She hope she didn't look to guilty, because that's all her mind is fill to the rim with it.

"Well, yeah I guess so. Maybe we should stop playing though, or just no kissing unless its me or Maria." Frank suggested, like always.

"Sure baby, I love you. You know that?" Bella told him with alot of meaning, and she did love with everything she had. She just couldn't control how she felt about Bill too.
The house phone rings and Bella jogs to go pick it up. "Hello?"
"Bella? Oh my lord, you have Bill there don't you. I wish I could see him, but I best go before they realize it's me. Remember, you have Frank. Don't be a tramp." Maggie hung up the phone before she could even say goodbye. In confusion Bella hung up and went to sit in Franks lap.
"Is Maria here yet Bill?"
"No Bella, she's just getting dressed, whats up?"
"Maggie called...I really think we should block her number or something." Bella said knowing that Bill would never do such a thing when we both knew that he still has a bit of a flame burning for her.
"Nah, just leave it be. She'll go away sometime."
Fuck her. Bella couldn't help but be pissed at her secret best friend for Falling for him. Before her. She was always telling Bella how much of a wonderful man he is and how well he had cared for her in those bright nights in his truck. Bella of course has a very creative mind and somehow instead of picturing Maggie she pictured herself, in Bills arms. Frank doesn't do that. He would if she asked, but this sort of thing is spontaneous... and not planned. She's happy with what she has but she's also looking for a bit of excitement as well.
Bella looks at Bill, she looks at her boots and how they're worn down so much the soles are sure to fall off soon. Then she looks at Franks, all shiney and looking brand new, she helps him polish them all the time. Then she looks at Bills hat, it's old and so is his face. Missing teeth, chapped lips and sleep in his eyes. If she were any younger Bella would guess he's about fifty years old!

_______
Bella's mind was still looking Bill up and down when Frank told her he was heading up to bed. She said she'd be there in a minute. Bella sent Bill and Maria home and said she'd wake them up in the morning so they can get there yard work done.
She crawls into bed and gives Frank a kiss goodnight. Of course wide awake. Damn. Her mind wondered to Bill again. Angry, and easily fusturated Bill. Bill who could never make up his mind. The man who cheats. The man who has many flaws. The man she could hate if he wasn't her mans best friend. So why did she like him. Did she even like him? Was it jealousy? Maybe I really do love Frank, maybe I just got caught up in Maggie's story that Bella thought she loved him to.
Frank loves me, and I love him. I love only him. He's been there for me even at my worst moments. Bill always left. Bill was fucking her best friend. Bill doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself. She don't love him. She never loved him. She loved the stories she heard. But Bella knew they were dramatized and fake. Just like his and Maria's love. Like his love for Maggie.
Bella sat up and jumped on Frank, saying I love you over and over again. Of course he was confused but replied each time and saw that in her eyes that she really did love him, and only him. They made love that night and never ended up going to sleep. They didn't do their yard work and they didn't end up waking Maria and Bill. Just layed in bed all day hold each other.

Just a random blurb

The love we had has been lost but the flame within us still burns high. We've both lost touch in who we were before the nightmares began. None has been for the better. We've both turned bitter and we're full of lies and distrust. Maybe, just maybe...if we try to connect with our better selves, then maybe we can reunite with glowing hearts like we did back when the dark night soon became a beautiful sunrise. Because forever in my heart you shall remain, one of the most important souls to ever cross my path on that snowy december day.

Forbidden

Bella sits out on the deck with a lit cigarette in her hand, deep in thought. She's thought about a lot these days, mainly about where she was going in her life, who would be there with her. She was so scared that she was making wrong decisions on and on but she wouldn't be able to see it until it was to late. She was about to inhale another long drag of her smoke when Frank walked out of the house. He didn't even see her until she let out a breath. "Oh hey darlin'. Didn't see you there. Now why would you be out here all alone?" He stared at Bella, he knew something wasn't right and he knew he wasn't going to find out for while, Bella being the stubborn type with her emotions.
"Getting some fresh air, and you know I love to watch the sunset. Why don't you come sit with me and enjoy it?"
"Fresh air hey?" Frank laughs at the typical smokers joke. "I'm sorry baby but I was going out to shoot cans with Bill, and I've been promising him for days." He gives her a pleading look.

Bella feel a twinge of annoyance but she understands that a man needs his play time. "Oh, alright sweet heart, enjoy. Tell Bill I said Hi." Her heart fluttered when she said his name out loud. "And please don't stay out all hours of the night, I worry you know."

Frank winks and gives her a kiss goodbye. If only she would have spoken up before she got in to deep, she wouldn't have a heart aching for the only man she's every truly felt so much for, it hurts. He's also the only man she will never get.

Sometime around midnight Bill and Frank came through the door all riled up and no where near ready for sleep. Bella rolled her eyes but smiled happy to see her two boys home safe. Maybe that's why she has stayed with Frank for so long, she can't stand not being around either of them, but she knows that in her heart, the man she wants isn't the man she shares a bed with every night. For her, the passion with Frank ended a long time ago. As much as she didn't want to believe it, she knew it was true and there was nothing denying it. The fact that she knows Frank loves her with everything in him, she could never break him like that. He must never know how she feels, and she will never let that secret out, because all hell will break loose. Her life will have not much meaning if she looses the farm and her boys, and of course the girl who's quiet, but crazy. "Hey Bella, sweetheart? You know a love you like a sister right?" Bella winced and turned around "Yes Bill, what is it?"
"Well see here, we've got a a whole lot of whiskey here and I don't want to drink it alone and Marie has to get up early tomorrow, so I was thinking that maybe me and Frank could have a little extra fun tonight? Maybe you can join in the fun?" He gave Bella the look that look that made her giggle hysterically. His face is so closed to hers and she so badly wants to kiss him.
"Bill, we all gotta wake up early. So I guess us three are pullin' an all nighter ain't we?" Bella gets up and grabs three glasses, "C'mon boys, I get first shot!"
This is the only time that Bella is allowed to show some of her feelings for Bill. Her mind isn't her own and she isn't responsible for her actions. Besides Frank and Bill take advantage of the fact that she'll do anything with a few drinks in her.


Let me know if I should write more.

dasd

To me, I'm quite simple. but complicated. And I find out i'm not the only one that falls in and out of love. I have many hidden secrets that I let out to people I trust. some people I can't quite trust as much as I thought I could but hey, shitty, but I live with it. You know there's alot of shitty things that go on in my life, from family to school to boys to finding a job. I'm in quite the dilema right now as I write this. I'm not gunna say what because that would totally defeat the purpose of this whole thing, now wouldn't it? So suposedly poeple are saying that I'm quite mature and I've had the life of a 25 yr old in 16 years, which is also strange because there's still so much I need to learn and figure out. I don't want no ones telling how to figure it out. I like making mistakes and learning from them yeah things will be fucked then, but after its all over... your life isn't over. Oh here's another, what is love? I know its a phrase/question everyone says. But seriously, love to me is when you get the feeling of being nervous but with a bit of glow to it. It's like being embarassed but then admitting it. Hmm.. lets see... It's also kind of like falling, you know thart feeling when you go on the drop of doom? kinda like that, except better. My whole time that I've been going through boyfriends I've always said I love you to almsot everyone of em. And when I think back on it now, I feel so stupid, because I didn't love them, I couldn't love them, Ididnt even know what it was or what ever heart break was. I am a firm believer that you need to know what true heart break is to know what true love is.,. and my friends, I experience both. It's kind of weird I know. But its like, I can't make sence of myself right now. I should probably just not care right? There's 6 billion more people in the world and this one can get away, Cept I really don't want him to. But I will, its best for me and for my friends and everyones hearts I suppose. Thats the kind of person I am i guess. I think of everyone else before myself. I can't stand upsetting people, especially people I care about. (my sister dont count) I would never do anything to hurt the friends I have now, they mean the world to me. I mean things get kind of iffy everynow in then but this just proves that they are greats friend sbecause we've stuck together through thick and thin. I love them, I really do. Steph and Nic are my besties. We get drunk, high, and goof off together, we do it best together and I love it all. I've never had a better set of friends. But then theres a friend who I use to be quite fond of and I still kind of am I'm just a little lost. But he's quite caring and would dye for me if i asked him to lol. Honestly he would, its kinda of crazy, he can be scary but really, hes just a big teddy bear. He makes me feel better when I need it you know when you can't just keep it all together anymore and you gotta blow up on someone before you scream and holler at the worng person. And hes pretty good at back massages haha. Well I'm sure you;'re gettting bored by now if you even got to the end of this. I jsut felt like typing and shit. But yeah TTYL mannn. <3

,,,,,

Life definately has its suprises, it's ups and downs. We live in a very strange world with some very...different creatures. The thing that makes the world go around is this four letter world "love" which means a hell of alot more then it looks like.mean it's so simple, so easy for the word to flow out. You say it, nobody really understands the meaning of it, but they use because it make people feel good because part of the meaning is supose to be that you care for the person so much that it hurts. Back when a cowboy was something you saw everywhere you looked, love was real, it was rarely ever miss treated. Now, in this age of time, people use it to have sex or play with peoples minds. Not able to read someones mind they just either say it back and guess thats what it's supose to feel like or they take advantage of it. As far as it looks, when you're inlove, you can't live without that person, if you loose them, your life will no longer have any meaning, no one else can measure up to what you feel for that one that got away. And some people never get their one true love, either someone else thinks that it's theirs or they die. But you have to because with my first example. Because sometimes poeple only want someone just because they can't have them. If it were me, sure I'd tell them how I feel because there's no point in hiding it and acting strange like you're nervous about something as soon as you see them walk into the room. So yeah, if you're taking my advice, tell them, its somethign off your chest. But if you truely love someone, you have let them be happy. Yes,it would be great if that happyness he or she shared was with you, but if they're quite content with the one they're with, you can't stop that. No matter how wrong you may think they are for each other you gotta let them learn that for them selves. I for one think I sorta know what love is, but I'm not quite sure yet. I'm a firm believer though, that you have to experience true heartbreak to have foubd true love. It isn't just with a boyfriend or girlfriend. It's also with family and friends. Losing someone is always heartbreaking, but how close were you to them, how did they know about you, how long have they known you... did they really mean almost everything to you, but you knew deep down that they weren't the only one out there for you? It's still going to hurt though, because you don't really understand why. During that time in my life I kind of...smiled. you know why? Because I finally got over that hump, finally can say this is the worse and nothing worse then this can really happen to me. Lossing everything you got is as low as you can get. For some, you get saved. And someon appreiate it. But then there's some people who take everything for granted. They don't understand that in a blink of an eye, it can all just dissapear. But they don't care.But i'll never be like that, I'd rather just make it by then be rich, because then people use you for things. Like I'd rather be chubby then " hot" because then i know who my real friends are. I'd rather be myself then something someone else created. I need someone like that. Who can sitt in a rocking chair or porch swing and sing me a song while the sun starts to sett. Someone who will hold me close but give me space when I need it. Someone who will talk things through and compromise with me instead of just saying no. Someone who will argue with me but love me anyways, Someone who can just be there, and be happy. Someone who understands I'm young, but I'm not a little girl. Someone whos patient and kind, funny and smart. Someone who trusts me but always watching. Someone to risk a little to get a little more out of life. I still haven't found him yet. I thought I did, but.. thats another story.