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To me, I'm quite simple. but complicated. And I find out i'm not the only one that falls in and out of love. I have many hidden secrets that I let out to people I trust. some people I can't quite trust as much as I thought I could but hey, shitty, but I live with it. You know there's alot of shitty things that go on in my life, from family to school to boys to finding a job. I'm in quite the dilema right now as I write this. I'm not gunna say what because that would totally defeat the purpose of this whole thing, now wouldn't it? So suposedly poeple are saying that I'm quite mature and I've had the life of a 25 yr old in 16 years, which is also strange because there's still so much I need to learn and figure out. I don't want no ones telling how to figure it out. I like making mistakes and learning from them yeah things will be fucked then, but after its all over... your life isn't over. Oh here's another, what is love? I know its a phrase/question everyone says. But seriously, love to me is when you get the feeling of being nervous but with a bit of glow to it. It's like being embarassed but then admitting it. Hmm.. lets see... It's also kind of like falling, you know thart feeling when you go on the drop of doom? kinda like that, except better. My whole time that I've been going through boyfriends I've always said I love you to almsot everyone of em. And when I think back on it now, I feel so stupid, because I didn't love them, I couldn't love them, Ididnt even know what it was or what ever heart break was. I am a firm believer that you need to know what true heart break is to know what true love is.,. and my friends, I experience both. It's kind of weird I know. But its like, I can't make sence of myself right now. I should probably just not care right? There's 6 billion more people in the world and this one can get away, Cept I really don't want him to. But I will, its best for me and for my friends and everyones hearts I suppose. Thats the kind of person I am i guess. I think of everyone else before myself. I can't stand upsetting people, especially people I care about. (my sister dont count) I would never do anything to hurt the friends I have now, they mean the world to me. I mean things get kind of iffy everynow in then but this just proves that they are greats friend sbecause we've stuck together through thick and thin. I love them, I really do. Steph and Nic are my besties. We get drunk, high, and goof off together, we do it best together and I love it all. I've never had a better set of friends. But then theres a friend who I use to be quite fond of and I still kind of am I'm just a little lost. But he's quite caring and would dye for me if i asked him to lol. Honestly he would, its kinda of crazy, he can be scary but really, hes just a big teddy bear. He makes me feel better when I need it you know when you can't just keep it all together anymore and you gotta blow up on someone before you scream and holler at the worng person. And hes pretty good at back massages haha. Well I'm sure you;'re gettting bored by now if you even got to the end of this. I jsut felt like typing and shit. But yeah TTYL mannn. <3

,,,,,

Life definately has its suprises, it's ups and downs. We live in a very strange world with some very...different creatures. The thing that makes the world go around is this four letter world "love" which means a hell of alot more then it looks like.mean it's so simple, so easy for the word to flow out. You say it, nobody really understands the meaning of it, but they use because it make people feel good because part of the meaning is supose to be that you care for the person so much that it hurts. Back when a cowboy was something you saw everywhere you looked, love was real, it was rarely ever miss treated. Now, in this age of time, people use it to have sex or play with peoples minds. Not able to read someones mind they just either say it back and guess thats what it's supose to feel like or they take advantage of it. As far as it looks, when you're inlove, you can't live without that person, if you loose them, your life will no longer have any meaning, no one else can measure up to what you feel for that one that got away. And some people never get their one true love, either someone else thinks that it's theirs or they die. But you have to because with my first example. Because sometimes poeple only want someone just because they can't have them. If it were me, sure I'd tell them how I feel because there's no point in hiding it and acting strange like you're nervous about something as soon as you see them walk into the room. So yeah, if you're taking my advice, tell them, its somethign off your chest. But if you truely love someone, you have let them be happy. Yes,it would be great if that happyness he or she shared was with you, but if they're quite content with the one they're with, you can't stop that. No matter how wrong you may think they are for each other you gotta let them learn that for them selves. I for one think I sorta know what love is, but I'm not quite sure yet. I'm a firm believer though, that you have to experience true heartbreak to have foubd true love. It isn't just with a boyfriend or girlfriend. It's also with family and friends. Losing someone is always heartbreaking, but how close were you to them, how did they know about you, how long have they known you... did they really mean almost everything to you, but you knew deep down that they weren't the only one out there for you? It's still going to hurt though, because you don't really understand why. During that time in my life I kind of...smiled. you know why? Because I finally got over that hump, finally can say this is the worse and nothing worse then this can really happen to me. Lossing everything you got is as low as you can get. For some, you get saved. And someon appreiate it. But then there's some people who take everything for granted. They don't understand that in a blink of an eye, it can all just dissapear. But they don't care.But i'll never be like that, I'd rather just make it by then be rich, because then people use you for things. Like I'd rather be chubby then " hot" because then i know who my real friends are. I'd rather be myself then something someone else created. I need someone like that. Who can sitt in a rocking chair or porch swing and sing me a song while the sun starts to sett. Someone who will hold me close but give me space when I need it. Someone who will talk things through and compromise with me instead of just saying no. Someone who will argue with me but love me anyways, Someone who can just be there, and be happy. Someone who understands I'm young, but I'm not a little girl. Someone whos patient and kind, funny and smart. Someone who trusts me but always watching. Someone to risk a little to get a little more out of life. I still haven't found him yet. I thought I did, but.. thats another story.

...

I've always wondered what people mean when they say, I can't live without you Well you did before you even met me, your life was perfectly fine. But then i think about it...and well, yeah okay, when people say that, their life was fine before they met that special person. But you made such an impact of how they think and feel that you just can';t go back to justr fine when you're absolutly fantastic... right? I've lost alot of people in the past couple of years, and I think to myself, eh all get over it, it was fun while it lasted but I lived with out for so long i'm sure I'll do just fine. But they made such a difference in my life just by saying I'm their friend or girlfriend or even best friend. The people that I've lost usually meant alot to me. I mean I'm losing three people right now, because of a job. Yes, a job. No time for becka because this job comes first. I mean I love that they're making good money and just just " getting by" anymore but I hate the fact that I have to go day to day knowing that they're going to forget about me eventually, like i wasn't even a part of their life. I mean, it doesn't even seem like i ever made a postive impact of their life anyways. I only brought nevatives along for the short ride of knowing these people.

....

Shimering eyes, and a tear streaks my face. I'm slowly drifting into my old self. But at the same time, forming a new person. I take my relationships with anyone seriously. I don't give them even a small chance to think of even thinking letting go. I can't risk it. Yes, slowly I'm changing back to the old me, but I've got some cold memories, I could have gotten more, but it all dissapeared in... well you could say seconds. Because thats what it felt like. I can't even smoke my favorite ciggarette anymore, because it reminds me of this summer and so much I learn about friendship,trust, love, hate....life. I can't even begin to explain how aweful I feel for losing them... I don't think I've ever been so hurt in my entire life. im two important people, and thats it now. I dont want to get attached again. I hurts to much to find people and then lose them like they never existed

Ugh.

I was told that one day life wouldn't be so painful but I tend to watch it go downhill more and more every minute. Is there ever going to be peace for me? I'm either hurting someone or someones hurting me... I can't say I miss the days when I was a kid and nothing matter because I grew up way to fast for me to even think. Young was when I should only be crying because I scraped my knee trying to ride a two wheeler. I've had the odd good day or two but there's always some sort of argument....and lies, big lies. Nothing is ever short and sweet with me. White lies turn into long and draged out tradgities for me.... I've hurt the most caring people in my life... I might as well have killed them...they might as well kill me.. Commit crime of passion? Commit to living in lies? Commit to telling all of the truths? My life is almost on big lie...for attention? I have to admit something...and only one person knows the actual truth... but I think someone else deserves it too.... it will make him actually hate me, I'm sure of it.. but I'm tired of telling a story that was never really true... Will you ever forgive me?